◎Felicia D. K.（请叫我AIcilef）

【Chaomaze】Suicide Guide

发个英文版存个档…我这就去翻

本来英文版想直接发平行世界的链接的，但平行世界并没有网页版，然后它把我排版吞了(´；ω；`)

预计今天或明天把中文版翻出来！！

语法错误有，不要介意（哭泣）

-0-

While I was trying to run toward the collapsed houses, the sky beyond me was filled with a colour of heavily dark red. I was not able to identify whether it was dawn or dusk, but I was sure, or at least I thought I was, that the clouds were bleeding. A rusted smell, which was mixed with rotten fruits, dust, and blood, kept exploding within the air around me. Some pieces of broken glass bottles were stuck in the freezing mud under my feet, as shiny as a knife under the golden sun; people around me tried hard to run away, screaming and crying with panic as loud as they can. Everything had not changed even a little. Everything had remained perfectly identical as four years ago, which I finally realized: the town which could be called my home, where I'd born and been locked for thirteen years, had always been the direct path to hell.

-1-

When I try to recall my memories, the results I can get are often messed up flashes, filled with fog, dust, and hyperthermal dazzling lights, with colours that either was too intense or almost fading away. For this, I can never tell you what I truly remembered. My memories are always filled with crying or screaming, tears or blood, which shall not matter; what really matters is the fact.

The fact is, our tragedy is almost about to end. I promise you. I'll end my story very soon.

-2-

The ruins. I saw the ruins of the houses, parks and other buildings, which was a legacy that he wished to leave us; their broken pieces left tiny but deep wounds on my legs and burned my body with my own blood. I saw burning woods meters away, which made the place smelled like a dirty large kitchen. When I finally reached the center of the mess of bricks, woods and cement, I saw him. Just like what I had seen hundreds or thousands of times in my dreams, I saw him covered with his own blood, with pale skin and broken bones. Under the golden sun and the bleeding clouds, he looked at me, with his eyes still shiny as a fire. He was smiling. He was the one who started the war, who eventually filled the world with chaos; he was also the one who took me away from my fear, who promised me an existing future and a sweet dream. Now he would die. I knew this years ago, since the first moment I saw him: he would be buried deep under his dreaming heaven.

And it would be me, who caused his death.

-3-

He once saved me from fire. He liked to say that it was I saved him, but it was truly him, who lead me out of the burning building. I cannot exactly remember how many happy lives I had destroyed, but that time when the explosion happened and the place which accepted me burned out, he told me that I was innocent. He was smiling proudly to me, with fire behind him turned his face warm and golden; his eyes were shining while particles exploded inside them and turned into pure infinity.

The problem is that I should have known that I could never be innocent. At the moment we met, I saw his death. The light from the sun was identical to the fire around us that day, the only difference was his pale face, due to the excessive loss of blood. Under the bright sunlight which forced me to see anything clearly, I saw my fingers touching his face after leaving his neck.

I always knew that it would be me who killed him.

I ran away from him that day. If I was more rational, I should keep hiding from him till the world ends. Unfortunately, I had never overcome my weakness.

-4-

You look confused, but you should know that I am the devil that the citizens were talking about. Right? Since I was born, I could see everyone's death. They hated me because of the same reason that I hated myself: it was me who confirms others' miserable fate. It was me who took the bad luck to them, who frightened them, and who killed them.

Some told me it was an ability of prediction, while others said not. After all, I was only the root of their fear, anger, and sadness; the reason for their series of agonies. I've learned to keep silence since I was seven. That may be the reason of why I'm still alive, but that's not real. During every second I was awake I could see people around me rushing toward their ends.

-5-

I was caught by the citizens after the fire; the kind ones saved me and stuck me in the tower. I always wished, and still I do, to end everything at that moment. I tried hard in the year after, using knives, broken glass, pieces of wood, or any objects around me; while all I did successfully was leaving tiny wounds on my arm, which would possibly disappear in weeks.

I just didn't have the courage to harm something. I had known, or should always know that my body, just like anyone else's, is only a form of meat, blood and bones; I just didn't have the courage to face them.

During one of my many failures, I saw him watching me, smiling. Of course, I should have known earlier that he was always there. He was everywhere, looking down at people and enjoying their agony; this was the only treat that he could get from the world. He was beside me, his shadow covered my face and filled the whole space with darkness; then he smiled when I caught his eyes.

His eyes, with a dark brown colour, was as shiny as the lava.

"It is useless to cut your wrist." He said.

-6-

"It will be super-fast if you cut your carotid artery. Trust me, I went through a lot of experiments for this... They usually die in less than half an hour. Do you know that I once tried to cut my wrist? Only because I thought it may be easier, or less fearful to do it than stick the knife into my head. You see? It is my weakness which stuck me in this world..."

"...But how could I wish to die? The world has so much fun here. Do you know how much fear can force a trustworthy person to betray his friends? Do you know how does a human turn into a beast, only for saving his life? I studied how deep I should stab into human's chest for they could die in fifteen minutes, with the pretty background music of their screaming, swearing, begging and crying. See? The world has its own humour for us."

His voice, refusing to dissolve in the dust, echoed within the air around me.

"Are you enjoying your misery, which in fact is the gift that I have given you? I could tell you that it was I who burned that impressive building months ago. Those fools were furious for their beloved place, weren't they? I wished to kill you once. Of course, I didn't know you at all... I wish all citizens in this town to die in pure pain."

-7-

"Leave here," I told him in the burning building. "You will burn into ashes!"

When his sight first caught mine, I was frozen by the death in his eyes. I stood frightenedly for seconds, days, or centuries, and rushed away from him toward the center of the fire. The flame danced with a bright blue colour, causing some tiny, fragmentary sounds exploded around me due to the collision of dust and dirt.

My room, the last safe place for me, was totally burned out.

"Leave here." I begged him without mentioning my voice. "Please leave here... You will die."

I failed to move a bit in front of the fire. It dived deeply into my eyes, or my brain, my tears was vaporized due to its extreme heat.

He didn't leave either. He was standing there, watching the fire curiously like watching a play, or he was watching me. I heard his sigh.

He was behind me.

I knew he was behind me.

-8-

"If you want to die, I'll say it twice, cutting your wrist is the most useless way in the world. If you are brave enough, you should jump off from this beautiful tower at once; only breaking yourself in lumps of flesh is not beautiful at all. It is disgusting, the true form of a human, the perfect way to show that you are just identical as these people, eh? Your neck is the weakest part of your whole body. Do you know that it will be a ton of blood blows up when the artery is cut? It is fun to watch, but it is really annoying to clean up after. I hate that. I won't let anyone die like that in my place ever again since long time ago. Do you know there is a quicker way? You can also damage your brainstem."

He blinked his left eye twice, with a quick, impassive laugh.

"You know, it is at the back of your neck. No, a little upper... Do you know that your breath and heartbeat are under the control of this powerful little rubbish? I had some experiments on two little annoying boys. Well, they are about the same age as you – how interesting – and they fainted immediately. I don't know when they died, of course, there was no need to care. I know that they never had the ability to live again."

"It is never easy to kill yourself, eh? I may help you sometime when I am happy to. Such a coward that even was afraid to point your knife to your head. I know, I'm always the same as you... How could you believe you have the right to trust a person like me?"

"Never wish to finish your life in the sea, because there will be someone waiting to save you. I was saved by her four years ago – that's why I'm still standing here and speaking these nonsenses. How could you believe that it is worth to save my life? You pitied me, but don't wish that I'll ever pity you. You saved me... Now you have to pay for it."

"Stop being so ungrateful, for I own your agony. Understand? You are never the one to blame... It's me. I am the chaos myself, and I admire myself for it."

-9-

After all the years with fear, despair and sorrow, he gave me the best advice: to live.

I swallowed his words without a single hesitation, for I've never got a second choice.

Do you understand that a future has no end, and an end has no future? It is easy to close your eyes, but it is never easy to fall asleep. From that day till now, I kept living in the sweetest dreams, wishing everything was finished already, and we would live peacefully ever after like the endings of those old fairy tales.

-10-

"Don't ever think about leaving me in this world alone... I know all that stuffs, I have all the skills you need to kill, and I'll save you anytime you try."

"You are innocent," he said, "You are the most innocent one in the world."

-11-

Even looking directly at his eyes shook my body. The air was turning cold, my fingers were freezing, and the pieces which stuck in my body were tearing my soul apart. His hands, which were surprisingly warmer than mine, touched my frozen legs and left several new patterns of bloodstains on them; his fingers stroked down all my wounds and cleaned some mud out of them. A gentle, ruthless, and freezing pain burned through my body, left all my sight turning into dazzling illusions. I was on my knees, acting in the posture like anyone whoever had been pitied by God, praying to our largest villain of the world, and the only saviour of mine. How could a man look such pathetic, who was totally destroyed by the remains of this prison, with blood covered half of his face and messed up his hair, still be the last and only rebel of our destiny? His hair was still fluffy, soft and shiny at the edge of my shadow, only was dyed in the dark red colour of his own blood; the liquid painted the mess around him also in an identical red as the sky, which kept showing the pain of him that I dared not to touch. I tried to move back to stop my salty tears from keep dropping on his hands.

If you see his death as a failure, it is never his fault for not stopping our destiny. He held my wrist so tightly that I dared not to move a bit, then he lay down with his head on my legs, like the sky was his quilt and the ruins were his pillow. Did you remember I told you once that how hard it is to fall asleep? People say sleep as a preform of death. Then why was it so easy to him to completely threw away his sane, to speak his last words as soft as a lullaby? I tore off the edge of my cloak in pieces, tried to use the cloths as bandages on his left arm, which we both knew that it was totally useless. I was praying to nobody, with words that no one except him could understand, and without any hope of any other future.

"Don't die..." I murmured, to him and to me, "I'm so sorry. Please... Don't die."

"No," he smiled, with a voice as proud and calm as the day we first met, "It is the time for you to save me."

"I pray you, to save me twice... I know only you can do it. I promise you... It will be the last time I ask you to do so."

-12-

"Yes..." I answered him, like always.

"It is never your fault for anything."

"I love you." I heard I said.

-13-

"Good night." He replied.

-14-

I heard someone screaming around me. Those sharp sounds, which should be always buried deep under my soul, were suddenly exploded into pieces, and cut my mind into lumps. Everything I could see was burned by my sight, turning into a melted glass which contained bright red, blue, orange and green. The whole world was shaking under me, everything slid like a current and disappeared in the infinite darkness of the universe; I grabbed anything I can to prevent myself from being completely torn apart. We were, or I could see we would drown in the deepest canyon of the sea, with bubbles bumping around us and filling our lungs with salt. Someone was crying. Everything I can see drowned in shiny colourful water, with fire flame dancing inside and completely ignited my eyes.

Blood. Head. Knives. Explosions. Fire. Wood. Pieces. Neck. Wrist – there was a light thin scar on his left wrist, which was the remaining of his first try of leaving this world ten years ago. Blood vessels. Veins. Arteries. Heart. Broken glass bottles. Rotten vegetables. Carotid artery. Crying and panicking. Half an hour. Breathe. Spinal cord. Heartbeat. Stop. Control. Flesh. Meat. Lumps. Rocks were thrown on my face. Bleeding sky. People died with hate. People lived with hate. Mud. Myself. Himself...

I cannot perfectly remember when I suddenly found my right hand was completely stabbed by a large piece of glass. I felt no pain, the sky looked identical, the smell of rust was still strongly around me. There may be an hour passed, a century, or only half a second. My hand was on his neck, completely soaked by blood that was either his, mine, or both; which was not even fresh and started getting dry. My hands left his neck and touched his face with a mix of love, doubt, despair and fear. He was not yet starting to rot, but he would eventually. He would be buried in the ruins, melt in the earth, dissolve in the sea and exist everywhere as every particle in the air. It was, finally his turn, to close his eyes and get back to his sweet dreams, which I would never be allowed to touch since then.

Do you finally realize what kind of person, or what kind of misfortune I am?

It took me long enough to find out it was actually me that was crying all the time. I was crying, screaming and weeping, like a weak, filthy and annoying four-year-old child, then I turned out quivering, curled up on the ground like a soft slimy worm. I ended up sobbing, burned up any force I'd once had, without even noticing whether I was sitting or lying.

How could I do not even have the right to be involved in his final place of heaven?

It would be the last time. I promised. Everything should end. Everything must end... Everything needs to end.

-15-

If there is really a God, like those citizens believed, existing in my world, then he must be the cruellest creature I've ever seen.

I kept holding his hand, instinctively and persistently, until I finally lost the ability to even control my fingers. My body lost its last ability to exist: it could never burn again, nor freeze; for instead it was refilled with water, like every human being in the world, with the water which freezes coal and melts ice. No one could ever escape the world, nor fate; the gravity was pulling us mightly to the center of the earth, dragging our soul deeply stuck in this prison.

I was awaked, after four years of dreaming; I was finally surrounded by the icy reality, and was never allowed to look back until my own death comes.

-16-

No, your destiny is not what I can see. You shall not belong to our story. You belong to the future, which is even out of my imagination.

It will finish pretty soon. All I'm able to say is, after I leave for where I shall belong, all the past ten years will be only a slight nightmare for you. I'm sure you will forget us really quickly.

-17-

I am really, really sorry for all of this.